


Ke Kāne Aliʻi

by stellarmeadow



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-10
Packaged: 2019-08-13 23:38:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16481930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarmeadow/pseuds/stellarmeadow
Summary: Danny was raised on a small farm. Well, he’d been born in an actual city, with buildings and people, but then his mother had decided the city was bad for them, and moved them to the farm. So Danny was raised on a small farm.He did not like it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is TOTAL crack, and it is totally tarialdarion's fault. But smudgegrrl egged it on. :) 
> 
> If you know the source material, you won't have to ask. :) I don't want to give it away in the notes.
> 
> I hope you find it even half as amusing as I did--hey, a girl's gotta have something to amuse herself with while suffering through shingles.

Danny was raised on a small farm. Well, he’d been born in an actual city, with buildings and people, but then his mother had decided the city was bad for them, and moved them to the farm. So Danny was raised on a small farm. 

He did not like it.

The only pleasure he got was by ordering around the farm boy who worked there. No one knew where the farm boy had come from. He’d simply shown up one day looking for work, and Danny’s father had felt bad for him and given him a day’s worth of work.

And then he never left.

One of Danny’s favorite ways to pass the time was to give the farm boy work to do, just to see him do it. Of course, the boy was either obstinate or stupid, because he never did it the way Danny told him to, but he got it done.

He also generally found some reason to take off his shirt when doing it, but he got it done. 

There was definitely some argument in favor of him being stupid, because he never got Danny’s name right. Danny would tell him to take care of the horses, and he would say, “Yes, Danno.” 

“My name is Danny.” 

“I know that, Danno.” 

And he would wander off to do the work, leaving Danny to wonder which one of them was confused. 

***

When Danny turned 16, things changed.

Oh, not the farm boy. The farm boy went around without his shirt half the time and seemed to always be chopping wood when Danny walked by. 

Which was odd in the middle of the summer, but then, this was the farm boy.

But no, the biggest change was the behavior of the others his age in the small village nearby. It was bad enough that it seemed every girl from 15 to 20 stopped to stare at him, but half the boys did it as well.

It made it very difficult to go to market. 

It was even worse when groups of them would gather outside Danny’s window at night to stare at him, sometimes calling out to him to hurry up and change for bed because they had a curfew. 

That was usually when the farm boy got rid of them. 

Danny never asked how the farm boy did it, but he did notice that after a few of these incidents, his stalkers kept a much better distance when he went to market.

***

Danny hovered at the corner of the window, watching the farm boy mend the fence that separated their yard from the road. Road being a generous term. A road had cobblestones, maybe enough room for two carriages to pass. This was just dirt ruts between a patch of grass, and a larger patch of grass, not a road.

The farm boy turned back to the house as he wiped his brow, and Danny ducked back to avoid being seen. Not that he had any reason he shouldn’t be watching. He didn’t want the farm boy to think Danny didn’t trust him, that was all. 

The farm boy bent back over the fence, and Danny moved a little closer to the window again to watch. He was distracted by a carriage rolling bumpily along the potholed road, until it reached the large hole right by Danny’s family’s gate and lurched. 

The wheel came off with a crack. The farm boy jumped back until the carriage stabilized, then sprang into action, jumping over the fence and pulling open the door of the carriage.

A beautiful woman with dark hair and dark skin stepped out, her hand light on the farm boy’s arm--his bare arm, which she really shouldn’t be touching without gloves. I mean, the farm boy was all sweaty and streaked with dirt, and the way the woman’s hand was gliding over the strong muscles of his forearm was really quite scandalous.

“Why thank you,” she said, and really, she sounded like the girls in the village when Danny went to market, all simpering and fake. “I’m very lucky such a strong man was here to help.”

Man? That wasn’t a man. That was the farm boy. Though...now that Danny thought about it, he and the farm boy were about the same age, which would make him around 17. And the farm boy certainly did have a man’s muscles, now that Danny really looked.

“What should I call my rescuer,” the woman said, batting her eyelashes.

“My name is Steve, ma’am.”

And of course Danny had known the farm boy’s name was Steve, but he hadn’t said it in a long time, and for him to give it to this overly made up harlot was really unnecessary. Especially in _that_ tone. 

“Well, Steve,” she said, her hand sliding up Steve’s arm to his bicep, “my name is Greer.”

“Is that Miss Greer,” Steve asked, “or Mrs. Greer?”

“Just Greer,” she said. “It’s so much easier that way.” 

Easier would be removing her hand from Steve’s arm. Right now. 

“Well, Miss--I mean, Greer, would you like me to fix that wheel for you?”

“If you have the time, I would appreciate it.”

Danny watched Greer as she watched Steve fix the wheel, his muscles rippling with the movements as he held up the heavy carriage like it was nothing and put the wheel back on. Greer leaned in closer and closer to watch until Danny gripped the curtain to avoid going out there and pulling her back.

When Steve had repaired the carriage, Greer bid him goodbye with what was truly an excessive amount of touching. Danny glared at the carriage until it was out of sight. When he turned back to watch the farm boy, he was also watching where the carriage had disappeared. 

But he wasn’t glaring. 

***

Danny tossed and turned on his bed, trying to sleep. He turned onto his side, hugged his pillow, then tried putting his pillow over his head, but none of it worked. No matter what he did, all he saw was Greer with her hands all over Steve. 

It didn’t matter. Or it shouldn’t have. What difference did it make to him if some painted woman decided to get handsy with Steve. It’s not as if Steve belonged to him.

Except. 

Maybe that’s what Danny wanted. Maybe that was how things should be. 

Because really, Steve wasn’t bad looking. I mean, if Danny thought about it for more than a second, he was attractive.

Okay, fine, he was the hottest thing for at least three counties and five villages.

But he was far too good for someone like Greer, with her eyes and her makeup and her fluttering and simpering. She did not deserve him.

Danny, on the other hand. Danny had watched Steve grow up for years. He knew that Steve favored the black mare in the stables, which, if Danny were honest, was why Danny usually rode the grey stallion, so the mare would be available the times that Steve followed along behind while Danny rode.

Surely that meant Danny was at least more deserving of Steve than that Greer woman.

Because, since he was being honest with himself, Danny wanted Steve. He wanted Steve more than he wanted the sun to rise and the stars to shine. 

How had he missed the moment he fell in love? When, exactly, had Steve gone from “farm boy” to “everything”?

More importantly, how much time did Danny have to do something about it before this Greer woman got her claws into Steve. 

Well, Danny thought, standing up and straightening his clothes. No time like the present.

***

Steve opened the door to his hut on the first knock. Danny glanced inside to see a candle and some open books, only then realizing he’d never been inside Steve’s hut. 

“Is something wrong, Danno?” Steve asked. 

“I, uh….” It was all well and good to have realizations, but acting on them was not the same thing. Still...he’d come this far. “I love you,” Danny said to Steve’s shoulder, not quite able to meet his eyes. “I have loved you for so long that I never even realized it, but it has been there for forever, and I, well, uh...I thought you should know before you made some horrible choice about that Greer woman.”

He met Steve’s eyes, which were narrowed slightly. “You love me?” Steve said slowly. 

Danny barely managed to get out a “Yes,” through his closed up throat. 

Steve nodded. “Okay,” he said, and closed the door in Danny’s face.

***

Danny went back to his room, determined to forget he’d ever even thought he loved the farm boy. After all, he could have at least half the village if he wanted. What did he need with some simple farm boy who didn’t even know that normal people wore their shirts more often than not?

Except none of the village had Steve’s eyes. Or that smile that always seemed to come with ‘Danno’ when he said it. 

And no one in the village looked quite as indecent while still wearing half his clothes. 

If this was love, then Danny had no idea why people sang songs about it. Funeral dirges, maybe, but certainly nothing good. 

He spent an hour focusing on all of Steve’s flaws, failing miserably at making himself feel better when he realized that ‘eyelashes longer than grass’ was not, necessarily, a flaw. 

“Psst.” 

Danny turned around to find Steve standing at the window. “What do you want?” Danny said, refusing to get off the bed.

“Can you come outside?” When Danny didn’t move, Steve said, “Please?”

Well, it probably would be more effective to be visibly angry where Steve could actually see it. “Fine,” Danny said, climbing out the window, rather than going out the front door and waking his parents. “What do you want?”

“I’m leaving,” Steve said. 

Only then did Danny notice the bag slung across Steve’s shoulder. “Leaving?”

“Yes,” Steve said. “I--”

“Oh fine,” Danny cut him off. “Go on! But if you think I’ll have you back when that Greer woman tires of you, I won’t.”

Steve frowned at him. “What?”

“Well that’s where you’re going, isn’t it?”

“No. Of course not.”

Danny took a breath, jealousy tamping down just a bit. “Then where are you going?”

“I’m going to join the Navy and make my fortune,” Steve said, that ‘Danno’ smile on his lips. “Then I’ll come back and we can be married.” 

“But why do you have to join the Army far away to do that?”

“The Navy,” Steve said. “They have boats. I like boats.”

“But you could stay here and we would inherit my family’s farm.”

Steve shook his head. “I need to have something of my own to be worthy of you,” he said. 

“But I want you to stay.”

“I know, Danno,” Steve said softly. “But I need to go.”

Danny took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Fine,” he said, after a moment. “But you’ll come back for me?”

“I will always come for you,” Steve said, the words a near whisper.

For a moment Danny found it difficult to breathe. “Well then,” he managed at last, “I suppose this is goodbye for now.”

“Right.” Steve cleared his throat and held out his hand. Danny shook it, memorizing the feel of it, since apparently he wasn’t going to get anything else, and it would be unseemly to ask. 

“I’ll see you soon?”

Steve nodded. “Goodbye, Danno.” 

He turned, but Danny reached out and grabbed his arm, pulling him into a kiss that left them leaning against the wall of the house to keep from falling down. 

“Sure you want to go join the Army?” Danny asked at last.

“Navy,” Steve said. “And want? No. Need? Yes.” He leaned in for another kiss. “I have to go or I’ll miss my chance.”

“Wait,” Danny said, as Steve started to pull away. “You...you never actually said you loved me.” 

Steve’s smile warmed Danny all the way to his toes. “What, exactly, do you think ‘Danno’ has meant all these years?” he asked, leaning in for one more kiss before he turned and walked away.

***

Danny received one letter from Steve, letting him know Steve had gained a commission on the Queen’s Pride and was putting out to sea for six months. For the first month, Danny marked the days down until Steve might return. He knew it could take a while for him to return for good--making your fortune in the Army probably wasn’t quick. But still, surely he at least got leave after those six months?

He took on some of the chores Steve had done, delivering milk to neighboring farms as well as his regular trips to market. Then one day, Danny returned from market to find his parents waiting for them, a letter in his father’s hands. 

“Danny,” his mother said in a tone that was never followed by good news. “The Queen’s--” She looked at his father.

“The Queen’s Pride was attacked by pirates,” his father said.

Danny sat down. “So Steve’s been taken prisoner?”

“Danny,” his father said, laying his hand on Danny’s shoulder, “It was the Dread Pirate Roberts.”

“The one who never leaves survivors?” 

His parents both nodded, tears threatening in his mother’s eyes. Danny couldn’t bear to see it. “I see,” he said, standing quickly. “I’ll be in my room.”

***

He didn’t cry. His mother thought he should--told him so more than once. But he didn’t cry. He couldn’t.

What good would tears do when Steve was gone? 

For a week he barely slept or ate, but then his mother’s concern roused him at least enough to leave his room and pretend to eat. That was all he managed for weeks until one day he felt like he might at least be able to go outside.

He went to the front door, but his mother called his name as he got there.

He paused with his hand on the door knob. “Yes?”

“Are you--I mean, will you be okay?”

Danny nodded. “I will,” he said, opening the door. “But I will never love again.”

***


	2. Chapter 2

Five years later the main square of Florin was filled to hear the announcement of the great Princess Rachel's fiancé. 

"My people," said Rachel, "a month from now, our country will have its 500th anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a man who was once a commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find him common now. Would you like to meet him?"

The crowd roared. Two footmen opened the doors in front of Danny, and he stepped out into the blazing sunlight. Blinded by the sun, he couldn't see the faces of the people in the crowd, but he could hear the murmurs as he walked down to the end of the roped off area and back. 

The doors closed mercifully behind him, and Danny let out a long breath. By law, he'd had no choice but to accept when Rachel had asked him to marry her. 

Though he had considered accepting the death penalty instead.

But, then again, what difference would death make to one whose heart was already dead? At least this way Danny would be in a position to do some good.

Not living out in the country anymore was also a nice perk.

"Prince Daniel," one of the footmen said, "Princess Rachel is waiting."

Words he was already tired of hearing. "Well, we mustn't keep her highness waiting," Danny said. "Let's go."

***

For all that he had hated the country, Danny couldn't seem to stay away. He took long rides every day and invariably ended up back at his family's farm. His parents had passed away within two days of each other the year before, leaving the farm to Danny. It lay empty and silent as Danny got off his horse, tying the black mare to the fence before going inside. 

He bypassed the main house in favor of the hut behind it, opening the door slowly, as if a ghost was going to pop out at any moment and disturb the room that had hardly been disturbed in five years. 

But the only ghost was the one in Danny's head. 

***

The sun was getting low when Danny returned to his horse. He'd gone less than a mile when the road was blocked by three strangers. One man was Asian, with a smile that somehow made him look less like a friend and more like a shark. 

To his left was a woman with dark, curly hair and a sword hanging comfortably from her hip. On the right was a rather strong looking man with dark skin. They were an odd group to find on the road to Florin, but then, the engagement had brought many strangers to the land. 

"Excuse me, sir," the Asian man said. "We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a village  
nearby?"

"There’s nothing nearby," Danny said. "Not for miles."

"Then there will be no one to hear you scream."

Before Danny could do anything, the other man moved with surprising speed to Danny's side and reached up, hand closing on the back of Danny's neck, thumb pressing in a spot that made Danny want to scream. 

Instead he slipped sideways into darkness.

***

When he woke, Danny's head hurt too much to move. The rocking of the ground indicated they were on a boat. He stayed still and silent, despite the nausea from the combined headache and rocking, to listen to his captors. 

"I've told you," said a voice that Danny recognized as belonging to the Asian man. "I have left a trail so that Guilder will be blamed for the Prince's death."

So they were planning on killing him, then? But they had to make it happen in Guilder, apparently. 

"You never said anything about killing anyone, Wo Fat." The voice was male, but not the Asian man’s, so clearly this was the man who had managed to knock Danny out with at touch.

"I've hired you to help me start a war, Junior," Wo Fat said. "That's a prestigious line of work with a long and glorious tradition."

I just don't think it's right," Junior said, "killing an innocent."

"You don't think?" Wo Fat mocked. "I did not hire you for your brains."

The woman spoke for the first time. "I agree with Junior." 

"Oh, the great Tani Rey has spoken," Wo Fat said, even more mockery in his tone now. "What happens to the Prince is not your concern. I will kill him. You need not concern yourself with it."

The trio fell silent. Danny laid there, listening to the water and waiting for his chance to escape.

***

Some time later, Wo Fat said, "We'll reach the Cliffs by dawn."

Danny shifted, as if in sleep, opening his eyes just enough to see Tani nod, then glance behind them. 

"Why are you doing that?" Wo Fat asked.

"I'm making sure nobody's following us."

"That would be inconceivable." Wo Fat turned and looked at Danny, apparently realizing he was awake. "Wouldn't you agree, your highness?" 

Danny sat up and rolled his eyes. "Think whatever you want," he said. "But you will be caught. And when you are, the Princess is going to line you up for target practice with her bow." 

Clearly Wo Fat didn't know the princess, or he would have understood what a scary and realistic proposition that was. But Wo Fat just looked down his nose at Danny. "You want to worry about the life of anyone on this boat," he said shortly, "worry about your own."

Tani was looking over her shoulder again, and Wo Fat had apparently had enough. "Stop doing that. We can relax, it's almost over."

"Are you sure nobody's following us?"

"As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways, inconceivable. No one in Guilder knows what we've done. And no one in Florin could have gotten here so fast." Wo Fat tilted his head. "Why do you ask?"

Tani shrugged. "It's probably nothing, but I just noticed a boat behind us."

"What?" Wo Fat said as he ran to the back of the boat, the other two following. 

Danny saw his opportunity and took it, jumping over the side of the boat before he could think. The water was cold and smelled of dead fish, but he'd take his chances. 

"Someone go in after him!" Wo Fat shouted.

"I don't swim," Tani said.

"I only dog paddle," said Junior.

"No matter," Wo Fat said. "You hear that?" 

Danny did, in fact, hear a high-pitched shrieking sound. 

"Those are the shrieking eels," Wo Fat said. "Their cries grow louder when they are about to feed on human flesh."

Danny felt something brush against his leg. Was that an eel? Or just debris of some kind? Maybe a harmless fish.

Another shriek, dangerously close. "If you swim back now, I promise, no harm will come to you" Wo Fat said. "I doubt you will get such an offer from the eels."

Yeah, right. No harm would come to him. Hard to buy from the guy who'd took money to kill him. "I think I'll take my chances with the eels," Danny called out as he started to swim. 

Which was when one of the eels broke the surface and started dragging him down.

He wasn't exactly sure what happened next. There was a thud, then the eel let go and Danny found himself unceremoniously pulled from the water and dumped back onto the boat. Junior stood over him, frowning as if it was Danny's fault. 

Danny's not the one who worked for a hired killer.

"That was very foolish, highness," Wo Fat said. "But I suppose you think you're brave, don't you?

Danny wondered if this was how Steve felt just before the pirates ran him through. "Only compared to some."

Wo Fat glared at him for a moment before turning to Tani. "Why are you still staring behind us?"

"I think he's getting closer." 

"He's no concern of ours," Wo Fat said. "Sail on."

***

Tani was still looking behind them as dawn broke. "Look." She sounded a little awed. "He's right on top of us."

"He's too late," said Wo Fat. "We've reached the Cliffs of Insanity. We're safe--only Junior is strong enough to go up our way. Whoever is in that boat will have to sail around for hours to find a harbor."

Danny squinted at the cliffs. 'Our way' appeared to be a rope up the side of a flat rock that seemed to stretch up to the sky. "I'm not climbing that," Danny said.

"You don't have to. Junior will carry us."

Danny stared at Junior for a second. "No offense, but I'm not liking our chances that way."

"Junior is the strongest man in three countries," Tani said, stepping up to Junior's side. "He could carry a horse up that rope."

"Then go get the horse," Danny said. "I'll stay here."

Wo Fat reached down and grabbed Danny's arms. "Unless you want to be eel food, you'll be coming with us."

***

They were a fair way up the rope when Tani said, "He's gaining on us." 

Danny looked down to see a man in all black, including a mask that hid half his face and most of the rest of his head. He was climbing the rope like it was nothing. 

"Climb faster!" Wo Fat ordered Junior.

"I thought I was going faster." Junior didn't sound happy about the order, but then, if he was climbing a rope holding three people and getting yelled at for going to slow, Danny wouldn't care much for that either. 

"Strongest man in three countries," Wo Fat said. "Clearly that was fake news." 

"If you don't like it," Tani said, "why don't you carry us up?"

The man in black had narrowed the gap considerably, but they had apparently reached the top. Wo Fat pulled himself over the edge of the cliff before he pulled Danny up beside him. 

Danny lay on his back, trying to stuff the fear of falling back into all the places it seemed to have burst out of. When he sat up, Junior and Tani were both standing next to Wo Fat.

"Well don't just stand there," Wo Fat said. "Cut the rope!"

Tani pulled out her sword, but Danny didn't miss her eye roll as she turned and sliced the rope. It slid over the edge, but there was no scream and no splash indicating someone had fallen.

Tani stared over the edge of the cliff. "Huh." 

"What?" Wo Fat asked, joining her at the edge. "He didn't fall? Inconceivable!"

Tani gave him a look. "You know, you keep using that word, and I don't think it means what you think it means."

Wo Fat opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, Tani pointed. "Wow, he's actually climbing." 

After a look over the edge, Wo Fat turned and started towards Danny. Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the prince, and must die." He pointed at Junior. "Carry the prince," he said, before turning to Tani. "We'll head for the Guilder frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine. If not, the sword."

Tani pulled out her sword and took a few swipes. Danny was no expert, but she certainly looked like she could handle it well. "I think I'll duel him left handed," she said. 

"We're in a hurry, Tani." 

"It's the only way," she said. "It's not fair to use my right. He doesn't stand a chance." 

"Fine, just find us when he's dead." 

Wo Fat started off in the other direction, but Junior went over to Tani. "Be careful," he said. "You can't trust a guy in a mask."

"I'll be fine." She gave him a smile.

"I am waiting!" Wo Fat said. 

Junior shared a look with Tani before he jogged over to Danny's side and picked him up like he was nothing. 

***


	3. Chapter 3

The man in black dug his fingers into the next crevice on the side of the cliff, then the next. One step at a time, that was the only way to make it up the side. 

He was close enough to the top to hear scuffling sounds and see the woman peek over the edge occasionally, but it wasn't until he was maybe a hundred feet from the top that she said, "Hey, I don't suppose you can climb any faster."

 _Really?_ "Not to be rude," the man in black said, "but this is not as easy as it looks. So maybe don't distract me?"

"Sorry," she said, and disappeared, but a few seconds later she was back again. "But you're sure you can't go any faster?"

"If you're in such a hurry, maybe you could throw me a rope?"

"I could--I've got some," she said brightly. "But seeing as how I'm hanging out here to kill you, I kind of figured you wouldn't take it."

The man in black made it a few more feet. "That does kind of ruin our relationship, yeah."

"What if I promise not to kill you until you reach the top?"

"If it's all the same," the man said, grimacing his way through a difficult reach up, "a promise from a kidnapper isn't really that comforting."

"There's really no way I can get you to trust me and take the rope?"

"Nothing comes to mind."

The woman looked serious, as she raised her hand, her voice weighted. "I swear on the soul of my father you will reach the top alive."

The man studied her for a moment before saying, "Throw me the rope."

With the rope, the man in black was able to climb the remaining distance with relative ease. He took a deep breath as he reached the top and pulled out his sword. "Thank you," he said, going into a starting stance for the duel.

"We can wait a minute," the woman said. "Catch your breath."

Clearly she didn't know who she was dealing with. Still, who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth? "Again," he said, taking a seat on a rock, "thank you."

The woman looked at him for a long moment, her eyes lingering on his hand. "You wouldn't happen to have six fingers on your right hand, would you?" 

An odd question. "Is that your usual conversation starter?"

She sighed, looking down at her sword. "My dad made this special sword," she said, holding it up, "for a six-fingered man. Took him almost a year. When the man came back for it, he wanted it for only ten percent of the price. When dad said no, the man pulled out his own sword and just stabbed him. He died right there on the spot."

"I'm sorry," the man in black said quietly. "How old were you when it happened?"

"Eleven. I ran out and challenged the man to a duel, but he just laughed and rode off, without even taking the sword. So I've spent my life studying swordplay in hopes of finding him and avenging my father's death. When I find the six-fingered man, I will say, ‘Hello. My name is Tani Rey. You killed my father. Prepare to die.’" 

Not exactly original, but not bad if you thought it up at eleven, the man decided. "So you've done nothing but study swordplay?"

"It's been more pursuit than study lately. I can't find him. It's been fifteen years and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work for Wo Fat to pay the bills." She shrugged. "Not a lot of money in revenge."

"Well, I certainly hope you find him someday," the man said, pushing his way to his feet.

"So you're ready?"

The man in black took out his sword. "Ready or not, you've been more than fair."

"You seem like a nice guy," she said, starting to circle him. "I hate to kill you."

"You seem nice," the man said. "I hate to die."

Tani shifted onto the balls of her feet. "Begin."

The man ducked her first few attempts, reading her style only to find that there wasn't really one style. She had definitely studied. The sword looked slightly awkward in her left hand, though. Some might attribute that to it being balanced for someone with an extra finger, but after watching how she shifted her weight, how she favored putting her right foot first, he realized she was not left handed.

He curled his left hand around his own hilt and dove in.

She was a challenge, there was no doubt about that. He had to keep one step ahead, and she made it difficult. 

But not impossible. 

They traded several ducks, feints and slashes before Tani said, her voice delighted, "You're really good."

"Thank you," the man said. "I've worked hard at it."

"You're better than I am," she said, still sounding happy about it.

"Then why are you smiling?"

She rolled out of the way and flipped her sword into her right hand. "Because I'm not left handed." 

With her right hand she began to beat the man back until he was against the wall. "Oh you're good," the man said, as she pressed him into the wall.

"Thanks. I should be after all these years."

"Yeah, well, there's something I need to tell you."

"What?"

He shoved her back, switching the sword to his right hand. "I'm not left handed either."

The man dove in, and this time Tani had to retreat, trying different styles, but her skill wasn't quite strong enough to take him. She made a desperate dive for a branch, tossing her sword down and using the branch to swing to meet it. 

She picked up her sword and waited. The man flipped his sword so that it lodged itself in a patch of grass near her, swung gracefully in a loop around the branch and landed right next to his sword, which he quickly reclaimed.

"Dude," Tani said. "Who are you?"

The man shook his head. "I'm nobody."

"Really, I have to know."

"Get used to disappointment."

"Okay."

She dove in again, but the man had her swordless in seconds, his sword at her throat. She dropped to her knees, meeting his eyes. 

"Kill me quickly," she requested. 

"That would be like destroying a work of art," he said. "However, since I can't let you follow me…."

He hit her on top of the head with the hilt of his sword. She fell forward, unconscious, but breathing. The man gave her a little bow. "You have my respect," he said, before he sheathed his sword and ran off in search of the others.

***

The man in black raced up the trail, looking for any sign of the others. He stopped at a curve in the trail, listening carefully. When he heard nothing, he started around the curve, only to jump back at a rock thrown at him. 

The rock hit a much larger one on the other side, and the man turned to see the man who'd carried the princess off, but there was no sign of Wo Fat. 

"I did that on purpose," he said, holding another rock. "I don't have to miss.

The man in black kept his eyes on the rock. "I believe you. So what happens now?"

"We fight the way we're meant to. Sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, just our skill."

"You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword, and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people?"

He considered the rock in his hand. "I could kill you now."

"What's your name?" the man in black asked.

"Junior. What's yours?"

"If you win," the man in black said, putting down his sword, "I'll tell you."

Junior tossed the rock aside and dropped into a ready stance. The man in black sized him up quickly--strong, no doubt about that one. But was he as skilled?

The man in black feinted in and Junior took the bait, exposing a weakness. Through several more feints and ducks, the man was able to spot a few more weaknesses. Slight ones most people wouldn't know, but weaknesses nonetheless. 

Junior frowned as the man ducked out of his way yet again. "You're quick".

"Good thing," the man said, diving to the side and rolling back to his feet as Junior attacked again. 

"Why do you wear a mask?" Junior asked. "Were you burned by acid, or something?"

"Oh no. It's just comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future."

The man jumped up onto a rock and then onto Junior's back, arm around Junior's neck. Within seconds, Junior was on his knees. Shortly after that, he was on his face.

The man in black leaned down, relieved to hear Junior breathing. "Sorry about the headache you're gonna have from that," the man said, "but enjoy your nap."

He grabbed his sword and ran down the trail. 

***

Princess Rachel studied the marks in the fine sand and gravel on the clifftop. Being an only child and a girl had been both difficult and beneficial. One of the benefits was a fine education in hunting and tracking from her doting father, the king.

She looked at the marks a moment longer, then looked up. "There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters."

"Who won?" the man beside her asked. "How did it end?"

"The loser ran off alone. The winner," she said, pointing, "followed those footprints toward Guilder."

"Shall we track them both?"

"Stanley," she said, moving to look at up at him where he still sat on his horse. "The loser is nothing. Only the prince matters." 

"Of course," he said, nodding immediately.

She sighed. He was lucky he was attractive--not to mention exceptionally talented in the area of pain and torture. "Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Guilder," Rachel said. "We must be ready for whatever lies ahead."

"Could this be a trap?" Stan asked.

"I always think everything could be a trap," Rachel said as she mounted her horse. "Which is why I'm still alive."

***

The man in black crested the hill and skidded to a halt. Wo Fat was sitting at a makeshift table, a picnic spread out over a rock, two goblets, wine, cheese and apples, as if he'd just been waiting for a date. 

Or it would have been, if he wasn't also holding a knife to the blindfolded prince's throat. 

"So," Wo Fat said, "it is down to you. And it is down to me."

The man in black nodded as he moved slowly closer. 

"If you wish him dead, by all means keep moving forward."

He pushed the knife harder against the prince's throat, making the prince wince. 

"Let me explain," the man began.

"There is nothing to explain," Wo Fat said. "You're trying to kidnap what I've rightfully stolen."

"Maybe we can come to an agreement," the man in black said, moving forward slowly again. 

"There will be no agreement," Wo Fat said. "And you are killing him!

He jabbed with the knife, and the prince tensed, pain showing on his face.

The man in black froze. "But if we can't reach an agreement, then we're at an impasse," he said. 

"I'm afraid so--I can't compete with you physically. And you're no match for my brains."

Famous last words of a dead fool. "You're that smart?"

"I've gone up against some of the smartest men in several lands," Wo Fat said. "I am here. They are dead."

"Okay," the man in black said. "In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.”

"For the prince?" Wo Fat asked.

At the man's nod, Wo Fat said, "To the death?"

The man nodded again.

"I accept," said Wo Fat.

"Good." The man in black moved forward to take the seat on the other side of the picnic. "Then pour the wine."

Wo Fat filled the goblets as the man in black pulled a vial from a pocket before handing it to Wo Fat. "Smell this, but be careful not to touch it," the man said.

Wo Fat sniffed carefully. "I smell nothing."

"What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man."

"Interesting," Wo Fat said, leaning in.

The man in black took both goblets and turned his back. When he turned around again, the vial was empty. He set the goblets on the table, one in front of himself, one in front of Wo Fat. 

"Okay. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead."

"But that is easy," Wo Fat said. "All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?"

Wo Fat studied the man in black. "A clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"So you've made your choice?" the man in black asked.

"Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

The man in black shook his head. "Truly, you have a dizzying intellect." 

"Wait till I get going!" Wo Fat said, then frowned. "Where was I?"

 _Wasting my time?_ "Australia."

"Yes, Australia. You must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"You're just stalling now," the man in black said impatiently.

"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" Wo Fat stared at him intently. "You've beaten my hired muscle, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my best swordswoman, which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

"You're trying to trick me into giving away something," the man in black said. "it won't work"

"Oh, but it has worked," Wo Fat said. "You've given everything away. I know where the poison is."

"Then make your choice."

“I will. And I choose--" He stopped, pointing past the man in black. "What in the world is that?"

The man in black turned around. "What? Where? I don't see anything."

He turned back around to find Wo Fat smirking. "I could have sworn I saw something. No matter," he said, laughing now. 

"What's so funny?"

"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink--me from my glass, and you from yours."

Wo Fat picked up his goblet, and the man in black followed suit. They both put them to their lips, but Wo Fat paused, watching as the man in black swallowed before doing the same.

"You guessed wrong," the man in black said. 

"You only think I guessed wrong--that's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. You fool. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia.' But only slightly less well known is this: 'Never go in against a Yakuza boss when death is on the line.'"

He laughed even harder, right until he stopped breathing and fell over dead.

The man in black sidestepped Wo Fat to take off the prince's blindfold and pull him to his feet. 

"Who are you?" the prince asked. 

"Not someone you want to mess with," the man in black said. "The rest is classified." 

The prince looked down at Wo Fat's body, then back at the man in black. "So all that time it was your cup that was poisoned?"

"They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder."

He took off without further word, dragging the prince along behind him.

***


	4. Chapter 4

Danny ran along behind the man in black, trying to keep up, but it had been a rather long day and a half. He wasn’t about to try running away with his hands tied. His best hope was to stay alive and with the man in black until Rachel and her guard showed up, or find a chance to take action. 

After the fourth time Danny stumbled, the man in black stopped, shoving Danny towards a rock. 

"Catch your breath," the man said harshly.

Danny sat down, ignoring the insult. At least it gave him a chance to bargain. "Look," he said. "Let me go, and whatever you want for ransom, you'll get it. I promise."

The man in black laughed, but there was no humor to it. "A promise from you? What is that worth? You're hilarious."

"I was giving you a chance. The princess is a great hunter. She can track a falcon on a cloudy day. She'll find you."

"You think your dearest love will save you?"

"I never said she was my dearest love. But yes, she will save me."

"Oh, so you admit you don't love your fiancée?"

"She knows I don't love her."

The man in black scoffed. "You mean you're not capable of love."

"I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could even imagine."

The man in black was suddenly towering over Danny, hand pulled back as if to slap. His nostrils flared for a moment before he said, tight lipped, "That was a warning, Highness. The next time, my hand flies on its own. Where I come from, lies mean punishment."

Danny stared at him for a long moment, sudden knowledge blocking his throat. "I know who you are," he said at last, the words strained. "Your cruelty reveals everything. You're the Dread Pirate Roberts. Admit it."

"With pride," Roberts said with a mock bow. "What can I do for you?"

"You can die slowly cut into a thousand pieces," Danny said. 

"Now that's not nice, your princeness. Why so rude?"

"You killed my love."

Roberts suddenly seemed a little on guard. "It's possible; I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours? Another princess, like this one, ugly, rich, and scabby?

"No. A farm boy. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm." Unbidden, Steve's face swam into Danny's mind, and he forced it back out to face Roberts, finally, after all these years. "On the high seas, your ship attacked, and the Dread Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners."

"I can't afford to make exceptions," Roberts said, looking as if he was enjoying himself. "Once word leaks out that a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you, and then it's nothing but work, work, work, all the time."

"Oh, sure, that's great, thanks! Just mock my pain!"

"Life is pain, your princeness," Roberts said, sounding like he knew what he was talking about. "Anyone who says differently is selling something." He thought for a moment. "I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be, what, five years ago?"

Danny swallowed back tears as he nodded--he was not giving the man the satisfaction of seeing them.

"Does it bother you to hear?"

"Nothing you can say will upset me."

"He died well, that should please you," Roberts said, as matter of factly as if they were discussing the weather. "No bribe attempts or blubbering. He simply said, 'Please. Please, I need to live.' It was the 'please' that sticks in my memory. I asked him what was so important for him. 'True love,' he replied. And then he spoke of the most amazing, faithful boy waiting for him. I can only assume he meant you." 

Roberts looked at him with disgust. "You should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you really are."

"Oh really? What am I?" Danny snarled, getting in Roberts' face.

“Faithfulness he talked of, sir. Your enduring faithfulness. Tell me, when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to your princess that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of respect for the dead?

"You mocked me once," Danny said. "Never do it again! I died that day!"

Roberts opened his mouth, but turned suddenly, as if something had caught his eye. 

Danny saw his chance and took it, pushing the man over the edge of the hill. "You can die too, for all I care!"

As the man started to tumble, he yelled a single word.

"Daaaaaaaannooooooooooo!"

"Shit. Steve! What did I do?"

Without hesitation, Danny threw himself down the hill after Steve.

***

Princess Rachel had just spotted her prince and his captor when they suddenly disappeared down a hill. "Why must he make everything so difficult?" she muttered to herself. 

"What's that, darl--I mean, my princess?" asked Stan.

She took a deep breath before turning a smile on him. "He must have seen us coming," she said, "which might account for his panicking in error. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed dead into the Fire Swamp."

Stan looked a bit pale at the mere mention of the Fire Swamp. Rachel sighed. Men were such cowards.

***

Steve groaned, which was a good thing, because it meant he still had lungs. He also still had all his body parts, as evidenced by how much they hurt. 

He rolled over to see Danny lying a few feet away, breathing, thank God. He'd almost lost him because of stupid pride.

Never again. 

Steve slowly made his way over to Danny. "Danno...can you move at all?" Steve asked, as he reached Danny's side, hand cupping Danny's cheek.

Danny's smile felt good against Steve's hand. "Move? You're alive. If you want, I can fly."

Then why had he promised himself to another? "I told you, I would always come for you," Steve said. "Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Well...you were dead."

Steve lost himself a little in those blue eyes he'd been trying to ignore as he held onto his anger. He should've known it was useless. "Death can’t stop true love," he said softly. "All it can do is delay it for a while."

"I will never doubt again," Danny said sincerely.

"There will never be a need," Steve replied, as he leaned in for a long kiss. All the nights he'd dreamed of this, of Danny's kiss, but every memory paled in comparison to the real thing. He never wanted to stop. 

"Steven," Danny murmured against Steve's lips.

"Yes, Danno?"

Danny smiled at that. "Not that I'm complaining about my current situation, but do you really want Rachel to find us here like this?"

He didn't want Rachel to find them at all. Ever. "Right," Steve said, standing up, pulling Danny to his feet with him. "Let's go."

He led Danny towards the trees, glancing back over their shoulders to see the princess and her party getting closer, but not close enough. "Ha!" Steve said, as they reached the tree line. "Your pig fiancée is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe in the Fire Swamp."

"Safe?" Danny said, pulling Steve to a stop. "Safe? In the Fire Swamp? Seriously? You realize that no one has ever survived the Fire Swamp, right?"

"Danno, haven't you learned anything today about doubting me?"

Danny sighed. "Fair point," he said. "Lead the way."

***

Steve chopped his way through the overgrown trees and weeds, unable to decipher which was which in many places. For a swamp, it wasn't very swampy, but then, it was a Fire Swamp, so maybe it was a dry swamp. 

"It's not that bad," Steve said after a couple of minutes. At Danny's incredulous look, Steve shrugged. "I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are nice."

Danny continued to stare at him as if he'd grown an extra head, so Steve tried another question. "Why do you think they call it a swamp?".

"Really?" Danny asked, eyes huge as he glared at Steve. "That's what you want to talk about?

A popping sound interrupted Steve's attempt to answer, followed almost immediately by a giant flame leaping up out of the ground right at Danny's feet. He ducked out of the way, but when the flame went back into the ground, Danny's pants leg was on fire. 

Steve shoved Danny onto a log and snuffed out the fire. "Are you hurt?" Steve asked, when the fire was gone.

"I'm fine," Danny said. The slight smell of singed skin said otherwise, but Steve wasn't going to mention it. 

"Good." He pulled Danny to his feet. "Let's keep going."

They'd taken all of five steps when they heard the popping sound again. Danny ducked out of the way, pushing Steve with him, and they avoided the flames. 

"Well," Steve said, glancing at where the flames had disappeared, "I'll say this. The Fire Swamp definitely keeps you on your toes."

Danny didn't answer. In fact, he remained silent for several minutes as they walked, carefully dodging spurts of flame. A silent Danny was rarely a good Danny, and the longer it went on, the worse the results became.

"All right," Steve said finally. "What is it?"

"What is it?" Danny said. "What is it?" He stopped, grabbing Steve's arm to make him stand still. "Five years ago you were murdered by the Dread Pirate Roberts, and now I find out that you _are_ the Dread Pirate Roberts. What do you _think_ that _it_ is, Steven?"

Steve would rather keep moving, but he sensed that wasn't happening until Danny got some kind of answer. "What I told you before about saying please was true. It intrigued Roberts, as did the way I talked about you. Finally, he decided to keep me on as a servant, at least for a night. Said he'd probably kill me in the morning."

He looked around, but no sign of the princess or her men yet. Still…. “Look, can we keep moving while I tell you the story?”

“As long as you keep talking, sure.”

“Good. Steve slashed at a particularly disgusting set of weeds ahead of them, glad when they didn't bite back. "Three years he told me that. 'Good work, sleep well, I'll probably kill you tomorrow.' But each day he didn't, and each day I learned more and more--to fence, to fight, anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became friends.

"Then, one day, Roberts grew so rich, he wanted to retire. So, he took me to his cabin and told me his secret. 'I am not the Dread Pirate Roberts,' he said. 'My name is Ryan. I inherited this ship from the previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts, either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia.'"

Steve paused to chop at a particularly thick branch. "The name was the important thing for inspiring the necessary fear, you see. No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Steve."

"I don't know," Danny said, leaning in a little as they walked. "I might. I mean, he's pretty hot." 

Steve ducked his head and laughed, but then continued his story. "So, we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew and he stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me Roberts. Once the crew believed, he left the ship and I have been Roberts ever since. But now that we're together, I'll retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is that enough of an answer for you?"

"But why--"

Danny's question was lost as he slid out of sight into a patch of Lightning Sand. He was gone in an instant, leaving Steve to find the nearest strong vine and slice it before diving in after Danny.

The sand went everywhere--in his ears, nose and a few other places--but he kept feeling around. He grabbed a hand only to realize it was only bones and let go quickly. The second hand he found still had skin and he pulled until strong arms latched around his waist, and Steve began to climb the vine. 

He drew in a huge breath as he broke through the surface, continuing to climb until he heard Danny breathing as well. Steve pulled and pulled until they were both out of the sand and fell onto the solid ground beside it. 

Steve's hand found Danny's, holding on tightly as they caught their breath. "We," Danny said finally, through heavy breaths, "are never making it out of here."

Steve sat up. Movement behind Danny caught his eye. He stared into the vines to see a large rodent. "What did I tell you about doubting me?" Steve asked Danny, trying to move him slowly away from the beast. "We know everything we need to know to get out of here now." 

Danny sat up, the sudden movement making the rodent still. "Oh really?"

"Yes. I mean, what are the three terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the flame spurts. No problem. There's a popping sound before that happens, we can avoid that. Two, the Lightning Sand. But you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so now we can avoid that too.”

"Okay," Danny said, "but what about the R.O.U.S.'s?"

"Rodents of Unusual Size?" Steve said, doing his best to look skeptical. "I don't think they really exist."

Which was apparently the rodent's cue to jump Steve, knocking him down. He threw the rodent off quickly, only to scramble after it when it went for Danny, who had been knocked to the ground. 

Danny hit the rodent with a thick branch, and the rodent came flying back at Steve again. The rodent sunk his teeth into Steve's arm, causing him to yell, which in turn startled the rodent. Only for a second, but enough time for Steve to throw it off and right into a flame spurt. 

While the rodent lay there groaning, Steve grabbed his sword and ran it through, ensuring it was dead. 

"Now," Steve said, as he helped Danny up, "we should be able to get out of here without much more trouble."

"'Should,' he says," Danny muttered. "'Should.'"

"Well, would you rather I be pessimistic?"

Danny rolled his eyes. "Okay, say we do make it," he said. "Then what?"

"Well, my ship is anchored at the far end of the swamp. We board it, find a new Roberts, turn it over, and live happily ever after." 

"You'd give up being a pirate?" 

Steve stopped, hands on both of Danny's arms, eyes holding Danny's gaze. "Nothing," Steve said, "is more important than you."

"Then why didn't you come back for me?" 

"What do you think I've been doing?" Steve asked. "As soon as Roberts turned over the ship I headed for the farm, only to find you weren't there. Imagine my surprise when I heard you were betrothed to the princess. I was there when you were presented to the people, trying to figure out if I should kill the princess or myself."

Danny studied him for a moment. "So what did you decide?"

"Well," Steve said, pulling Danny a little closer. "I know you. And that look on your face wasn't happiness. So, I followed you to the farm, and I was still following when you were kidnapped. It took me a little time to get to my ship, but I caught up at the cliffs...and the rest you know."

"So you really were coming back for me?"

"I told you I would."

Danny leaned up and Steve met him halfway for a kiss. "Before this goes any further," Steve said, "maybe we should get out of this place."

"I thought you liked the trees," Danny teased, and God had Steve missed that twinkle in Danny's eyes. 

"I think I'll like them better if I can admire them from a distance," Steve said, keeping hold of one of Danny's hands as he turned and led the way. "Let's go." 

***


	5. Chapter 5

As they approached the edge of the Fire Swamp, Steve saw movement beyond the tree line. He tugged on Danny's hand, approaching the end of their cover carefully, close enough to see the movement was not just a trick of his tired mind.

Shit.

He felt Danny tense as Danny realized what was going on. "Can we get to your ship?" Danny asked in a low whisper.

Steve shook his head. "Not without going through them," he whispered back, lips closed to Danny's ear. 

"Oh, for the love of God," the Princess called from the clearing, "we know you're there. Just come out already."

"You sure know how to pick them," Steve said to Danny.

"Well, in my defense, it was marry her or die."

Steve considered that for a moment. "I would say I'm not sure you made the right choice, but then you might not have been here for me to rescue."

"Do not make me have to come in there," the Princess said.

Steve let go of Danny's hand and stepped in front of him. "Stay behind me," he said, as they left the safety of the trees, stopping a few feet into the clearing. 

"Surrender," the Princess said.

"Oh, good," Steve said, "you're ready to surrender? That will make this much easier."

The Princess rolled her eyes. "I give you full marks for bravery. Don't make yourself a fool."

"But how will you capture us?" Steve asked. "We know the secrets of the Fire Swamp. We can live there forever. So, whenever you feel like dying, feel free to visit."

"I tell you once again," Rachel said. "Surrender!"

Steve ducked Danny in more closely behind him. "Never," he said, his eyes traveling between the Princess, the overdressed man on the horse beside her, and the five soldiers with crossbows spread around strategically. 

"For the last time," the Princess said, showing anger now, "surrender!"

Steve fixed his gaze solely on her. "I'd rather die." 

Danny's voice was like ice through Steve's veins as he said, "Will you promise not to hurt him?" 

"What was that?" the Princess and Steve asked at the same time.

"If we surrender, and I go with you," Danny said to the Princess, "will you promise not to hurt this man?"

The Princess nodded. "May I live a thousand years and never hunt again."

Danny nodded at Steve. "He is a sailor from the pirate ship 'Revenge.' Promise to return him to his ship."

She nodded again. "I swear it will be done."

Steve turned to look at Danny, the sadness in Danny's eyes worse than any blade. "I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me," Danny said. "I can't take it if you die again, not when I can save you."

He gave Steve a long look, one Steve hoped he’d read correctly, and that Danny was sure that Steve would come for him again. 

Steve looked for something to say, but no words would come. Or at least no words he wanted to say in front of Rachel and the others. Danny brushed against him as he went over to the Princess, hopping up on the horse behind her. She rode off, Danny looking back until they were out of sight.

"Come, sir," the overdressed man said. "We must get you to your ship."

Clearly this guy thought Steve was as stupid as whoever had picked the guy's clothes. "We are men of action," Steve said, giving the man more credit than he deserved. "Lies do not become us."

"Well said." 

The man put his hand on his sword, and only then did Steve notice something odd. "Interesting," Steve said. "You have six fingers on your right hand. I know someone who's looking for you."

Steve felt a sharp pain in his head, and everything went dark.

***

The smell was the first thing Steve noticed before opening his eyes. Dank and cool, a little musty, like the hold of his ship after five days in the northern seas. He opened his eyes to find the look of the place wasn't any better than the smell.

The chill was only amplified by the fact that he was shirtless and chained to a table. Good chains, too--he had no chance of getting out without some help.

Footsteps echoed just behind Steve's right shoulder. He twisted around to see a short man with dark hair coming down some stairs against the wall. He had a mean, squinty look about him, and his hair was like something out of one of the traveling singing troupes Steve remembered from his youth.

"Who are you?" Steve asked.

The man didn't look impressed at the question. "Sang Min," he said, "not that my name's gonna help you.

"Where am I?" 

"The Pit of Despair," Sang Min said, putting down the tray he'd carried in. "Don't even think about tryin' to escape, and forget about bein' rescued. Can't get in unless you know where the secret entrance is, and only the Princess, Count Stan, and I know how to get in and out."

Like he hadn't gotten out of worse spots. Still... "Then I'm here till I die?"

Sang Min shrugged. "Till they kill you, yeah."

Steve looked down to where Sang Min was now tending his wounds. "Then why bother patching me up?"

"The Princess and the Count, they have this thing about everyone being healthy before they're broken."

"So it's to be torture," Steve said. At Sang Min’s nod, Steve said, loftily, "I can cope with torture."

"Yeah, that's what you think."

Steve raised his eyebrows. "Don't believe me?"

"Well, you made it through the Fire Swamp, so I'm guessin' you got balls, but dude...nobody withstands The Machine."

Somehow, the fact that the name wasn't more menacing just made it seem that much worse.

***

Danny wandered the halls of the castle, wondering what Steve was doing. Had he gotten the message Danny had been trying to send? Was he nearby even now, looking for another chance to attempt a rescue? 

He wouldn’t blame Steve if he just rode off and left, not after the way he'd just given Steve up after the Fire Swamp. Except, Steve had said he'd always come for Danny. And not even certain death had stopped him the first time.

Still. It was a lot to hope that it would work out before the wedding. And it wasn’t like Danny could just escape. He’d tried three times and had run out of pretenses as to why he was leaving his room in the middle of the night when caught by the armed guards who suddenly seemed to be everywhere.

He barely registered Rachel and Stan as he walked by, but he heard Rachel say, "He's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. t's my father's failing health that's upsetting him."

"Of course," Stan said.

Danny rolled his eyes. He didn't see why Rachel wanted to marry him, not when Stan was right there and so much more willing to tell her whatever she wanted to hear.

And yet she wanted Danny. 

Steve had been right about one thing. Life was pain.

***

Danny woke before Dawn to Rachel shaking him. "Daniel, my father has died. We must be married. Now."

"Now?" Danny asked. "Right this second?"

"Yes, I have to have a king. Come on, get a move on."

Danny yawned as he got up, following Rachel down the hall to a small room where a priest was waiting. They said their vows, and then Rachel shooed him off to get dressed to be presented as her king.

The crowd was at least twice the size of the one he'd been presented to just a few days ago. He watched from the shadows, the doors already open, as he heard Rachel say, "My father's final words were, 'May you be as happy in your marriage as I was.' My people, I present to you your king, King Daniel."

Danny walked out, the crowd's cheers and applause sounding distant and faint. Nothing could touch him anymore. 

"Boooo!" 

That startled Danny out of his stupor. He reached the end of the walkway to find an older man, tall but slightly hunched, long hair tied back. "Boooo!" the man said again.

"Why are you booing me?"

"Because you had love in your hands, kiddo. Stevie loved you, and you gave it up."

"They would have killed him."

The man waved his hand. "Bah. Your true love lives and you marry another. True love saved you in the Fire Swamp, and you treated it like garbage. What are you, the King of Garbage? I say again - BOOO!"

Danny woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed. It was still ten days until the wedding. He was not yet married. 

To hell with escape attempts and hiding. Maybe it was time to try honesty.

He threw back the covers and ran down the hall until he reached Rachel's chambers. He found her at the window, Stan by her side. 

"I'm sorry," Danny said. "But I love Steve. I always have, and I always will. If you tell me now that I have to marry you in ten days, then I'll be dead by morning."

Rachel stared at him for a long moment. "I could never cause you grief," she said at last. "Consider our wedding off." She turned to Stan. "You returned this Steve to his ship?"

"Yes."

"Then we will simply alert him." She turned back to Danny. "Darling, are you certain he still wants you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp. Not to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words."

"Steve will always come for me."

"Very well," Rachel said. "I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my four fastest ships. One in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white flag and deliver your message. If Steve wants you, bless you both. If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide. Are we agreed?"

Danny nodded without hesitation. Steve would make it before the ten days were up, he was sure. And if he didn’t, then Danny would know Steve was truly dead this time. 

And he could join him. 

"Good," Rachel said. "Go write your letters and we'll ready the ships."

***

Rachel held lightly onto Stan's arm as they walked into the grove of trees not far from the castle. The leaves were thick this time of year, giving the whole area a feeling of intimacy. 

"You know," Stan said, "your soon-to-be prince is really a winning creature. A little simple, perhaps, but his appeal is undeniable."

"Oh, I know," Rachel said. "The people are quite taken with him. It's odd, but when I hired Wo Fat to have him murdered on our engagement day, I thought that was clever. But it's going to be so much more moving when I strangle him on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the nation will be truly outraged. They'll demand we go to war."

She stopped as Stan stopped, looking around. "Now, where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find." Stan said, as he pushed on a couple of trees before finding the right one. The secret passage opened. "Are you coming down into the Pit?" Stan asked. "Steve's got his strength back. I'm starting him on The Machine tonight."

"Stanley, you know how much I love watching you work," Rachel said. "But, I've got my country's five hundredth anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my husband to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped."

Stan nodded, patting her on the hand. "Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything."

He smiled as he hurried through the passageway and down the stairs. Rachel watched the opening in the tree slide back perfectly into place before heading back to the castle.

***

The Machine turned out to be the large thing that Steve could just see if he craned his neck a little from his vantage point while his wounds had been treated. 

It did not look pleasant. 

"So good that you're finally healthy," Stan said, as he wheeled Steve's table over to the machine. 

"Actually, I'm feeling a little cold coming on," Steve said. "Maybe we should postpone this."

"Nonsense." Stan gave him a pleasant, psychotic sort of smile. "I've always held the theory that the right amount of pain can actually ward off colds. This is an excellent chance to see if I'm right."

With Sang Min's help, Stan moved Steve over to The Machine, chains and all. "You're very lucky, you know," Stan said, as he and Sang Min started attaching suction cups all over Steve's body. "You're the first one to get to see The Machine at work. It took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain. At present I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So, I want you to be totally honest with me on how The Machine makes you feel. Okay?"

Definitely more on the psychotic side. Steve refrained from commenting on that, though, as Stan went to a dial with numbers ranging from one to 50. "This being our first try," Stan said, "I'll use the lowest setting.”

Steve braced himself as Stan fiddled with the machine before lowering a lever. The sound of rushing water filled Steve's ears a moment before it was obliterated by sheer pain coursing through his entire body, as though all his nerves were on fire, but there were no real flames to burn out, so he just kept burning and burning.

The intensity lowered, though the pain continued to reverberate through his muscles as they twitched like leftover electric shocks were popping up at random spots under his skin. The water was gone, and Steve wished for it back so he could maybe drown himself in it to avoid having to do that again. 

Stan pulled a chair over near the machine and opened his notebook, quill in hand. "As you know," Stan said, "the concept of the suction pump is centuries old. Well, really, that's all this is. Except that instead of sucking water, I'm sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would do to you."

He dipped his quill in ink and held it to the paper. So, let's just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so be honest--how do you feel?"

Steve wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how bad he felt. He couldn't quite stop his body from shaking however, or the water that seemed to be leaking out of his eyes.

Stan leaned forward, wiping at some of the tears, inspecting them on the tip of his finger before wiping his hand on his pants. "Interesting," he said, as he started to write.

That swordswoman was going to have to get in line to kill this bastard.

***

Rachel shifted through the piles of papers on her desk, looking for the one that she needed and couldn't find. Good help was simply impossible to get. 

Her chief enforcer stopped just inside the door, waiting to be invited in. Rachel glanced up at the man, who was passably attractive, she supposed, if one could get past the accent and the skinny legs. "Hesse," she said, waving him in. 

"Your Highness," Hesse said, as he bowed before her.

Rachel put on her best sincere face. "As Chief Enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret: killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest and plan to murder my groom on our wedding night."

"My spy network has heard no such news," Hesse said.

Danny appeared in the doorway before Rachel could answer. "Any word from Steve?" he asked.

"Too soon, my darling. Have patience."

"He will come for me," Danny said. 

"Of course he will," Rachel said. She waited until Danny's footsteps had disappeared down the hall before turning back to Hesse. "He will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding, I want the Thieves' Forest emptied and every inhabitant arrested."

Hesse frowned. "Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.

"Form a Brute Squad then. I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before I wed."

"It won't be easy, Your Highness."

Rachel looked at him a little tiredly. "Try ruling the world sometime."

***


	6. Chapter 6

Tani slid down the wall, bottle in one hand, sword in the other. She tried to blow her hair out of her face, but it just fell back down again, which made her laugh.

She couldn't even control her own hair. How sad was that? 

"I'm waiting for you, Wo Fat," she said, waving her sword around. "You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved."

She took a long pull from her bottle, pausing, bottle still to her lips, as one of the Brutes stepped in front of her.

"Ho there."

Tani lowered the bottle, but raised the sword. "I'm not going anywhere, so you know what you can do with your ho." 

She laughed again at the words, the laughter quickly dying as the Brute said, "But the Princess gave orders."

"So did Wo Fat," Tani pushed her way up the wall to stand. "When a job went wrong, you went back to the beginning. And this is where we got the job. So it's the beginning, and I'm staying till Wo Fat comes."

The Brute had clearly had enough, as he called off to the side for another one of the Squad for help. 

"I am waiting for Wo Fat," Tani said, punctuating each word with a rather steady slash of the sword. 

"I told you not to trust men in masks," a voice said to her right. 

She looked over to see Junior standing there, a smile on his face. 

"It's you," Tani said, poking him just to make sure he was real. 

"It is," Junior agreed. "And wow you are drunk."

"Pshaw," Tani said, the word spraying Junior with spittle. "You should've seen me at the Guildarian wedding three years ago. This is nothing."

"Hold her still," the other Brute said. Junior's response was to punch the Brute as hard as he could. 

He landed a good fifteen feet away. 

Tani stared after him for a moment, then at Junior. "You have muscles," she said, eyes going to Junior's arm, her hand tracing his bicep. 

Junior laughed. "Come on," he said, "let's get you inside."

"I don't want any coffee," Tani said, leaning against Junior for support.

"Don't worry." Junior lowered her into a chair. "Coffee would only get me a wide-awake drunk. I have something better."

He filled two troughs, then dragged Tani over to one of them and shoved her head in. The water was icy cold, but her scream was muffled by it. Just when she thought her face would freeze in permanent scream mode, Junior pulled her out and ducked her head into the other trough.

This one would have been soothingly warm, but so fresh from the freezing water, it almost burned, and Tani screamed again. Time and time again Junior moved her from one trough to another, and while she would happily slice most men through for the treatment, this was Junior, and she couldn't.

While he worked on sobering her up, Junior told her about Wo Fat's death, what he’d learned about the man in black and the prince, and the existence of Count Stan, the six-fingered man. 

That worked better than any water.

"That's enough. That's enough!" Tani said, sober as a priest. “Where is this Stan now, so I can kill him?" 

"He's with the Princess in the Castle. But the castle gate is guarded by thirty men."

"How many could you handle?"

"I don't think more than ten."

Tani did the math. "That leaves twenty for me. Even at my best, I couldn't defeat that many." She slumped down into the chair. "Not that I'm particularly sorry he's dead," she said, "but I need Wo Fat to plan. Strategy isn't really my strong suit."

"But Wo Fat's dead."

Yes, he was, and probably a victim of his own arrogance, too. Or at least a victim of the man in black.

Wait.

"No, not Wo Fat," Tani said slowly. "I need the man in black,"

Junior stared at her. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Look, he bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with steel. He must have outthought Wo Fat, and a man who can do that can plan my castle's onslaught any day." Tani grabbed Junior's arm and pulled him toward the door. "Let's go." 

Junior resisted. "Go where?"

"To find the man in black, obviously."

"But you don't know where he is."

Really? Junior was trying logic when revenge was this close? "Don't bother me with trifles. After fifteen years, at last, my father's soul will be at peace." She smiled, but Junior didn't look comforted by it as she added, "There will be blood tonight!"

***

Rachel compared three maps, wondering why men were so incapable of judging size. Floren Channel simply could not be two, five and twelve miles long. It did not change length based on who was drawing the maps, and yet, there it was, three different lengths, three different maps.

Hesse entered, kneeling quickly. 

"Rise and report," Rachel said.

"The Thieves' Forest is emptied," Hesse said. "Thirty men guard the castle gate".

"Double it. My Prince must be safe."

Hesse gave what Rachel assumed was supposed to be a sly smile. "The gate has but one key," he said, pulling the chain holding it from under his coat. "I carry that."

Danny came in, looking uncertainly at the two of them. "My darling!" Rachel laid on the charm thickly for her audience. "Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning, my men will escort us to Florin Channel where every ship in my armada waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.”

Danny frowned at her. "Every ship but your four fastest, you mean."

Rachel blinked at him. 

"Every ship but the four you sent," Danny said.

"Yes. Yes, of course," Rachel said quickly. "Naturally, not those four."

Hesse cleared his throat. "I'll just be down at the gate," he said, beating a hasty retreat.

Danny studied Rachel for a long moment. "You never sent the ships," he said at last. "Don't bother lying. It doesn't matter," he added. "Steve will come for me anyway."

Thank God, no more pretense about that. "You're a silly fool."

"Yes, I am a silly fool, for not having seen sooner that you were nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear."

Fear? Rachel wouldn't know fear if it ran up to her and screamed. "I would not say such things if I were you," she said carefully. 

"Why not? You can't hurt me. Steve and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you can't track that with a thousand bloodhounds or break it with a thousand swords. And when I say you're a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth."

Rachel wrapped her hand around Danny's arm in a vice like grip, her hand going to her sword. “I would not say such things if I were you!" she said, dragging him down the hall to his room. She shoved him in and slammed the door, locking it before she broke into a run.

She ran into the forest and found the tree, opening the secret door. Ignoring Stan's startled look, Rachel hurried over to the machine, leaning over Steve. "You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."

She whirled around and turned on the machine, shoving the dial as high as it would go, ignoring Stan's, "Not to fifty!" as Steve's face filled with pain that erupted into a scream that fulfilled something in Rachel's soul that nothing ever had.

Maybe Stan was onto something with this pain thing.

***

Tani was pushing her way through the jammed marketplace when a scream pierced the sky. Everyone stopped talking and looked up, but there was nothing, only the lingering end of the scream.

"Junior!" Tani said, smacking him on the arm. "Did you hear that?"

"Pretty sure Guilder heard that," Junior said.

"That was the sound of ultimate suffering." Tani settled her sword a little more firmly in her scabbard. "My heart made that sound when Count Stan slaughtered my father. The man in black makes it now.

"The man in black?"

"Of course." Tani nodded. "His true love is marrying another tonight, so who else has cause for Ultimate Suffering? Come on, clear a path, let's go."

Junior started shoving people aside as Tani followed close behind. 

***

The scream led them to a clearing in the middle of a grove near the castle. They had just stepped into the clearing when a man with a strange hairstyle and a weasley sort of face appeared, pushing a wheelbarrow. 

Tani lunged at him, sword to his chest. "Where is the man in black?"

"You better get that thing off me," the man said. "My boss ain't gonna be too happy if you stab me, and he has a very highly placed...friend."

"You will tell me where he is," Tani said steadily. 

The man stared at her, unimpressed. "I forgot." 

"Junior," Tani said, "jog his memory."

Junior hit the man on top of the head with a sickening crunch. The man dropped without a sound. "Sorry, Tani. I didn't mean to jog him so hard."

Tani let out a long breath before dropping to one knee. She bowed her head, as if in prayer. "Father, I have failed you for fifteen years. Now I can end this. Somewhere close by there's a man who can help us, but I can't find him alone. I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please."

She stood, eyes still closed. "Guide my sword."

She moved through the clearing, pausing a couple of times before opening her eyes and jabbing at a tree.

Nothing happened.

She sighed heavily and leaned against the tree, the knot on the outside hurting her arm. A sound made her look up, just in time to see the tree opening up to reveal a secret entrance. 

The man in black lay on a table, pale and unmoving. Junior ran over to listen for a heartbeat, but then shook his head at Tani. 

"He's dead."

"No," Tani said. "I won't accept it. 

"But...he's dead, Tani."

She shook her head. "Reys have never accepted defeat easily. Let's go, Junior. And bring the body."

"The body?"

Tani nodded as she kept walking. "You got any money?"

"A little."

"Let's hope it's enough to buy a miracle."

***


	7. Chapter 7

As the sun set, Tani knocked on the door of a tiny hut. When there was no answer, Tani knocked again. 

"Go away!" someone yelled from inside. 

Tani pounded on the door this time. A moment later, a small window in the door opened. "What do you want?" 

"Are you the Miracle worker Noelani who worked for the King all those years?" Tani asked.

"The King's stinking son fired me," Noelani said. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!

She slammed the window, and Tani pounded on the door again.

The window opened again. "Beat it or I'll call the Brute Squad."

"I'm on the Brute Squad," Junior said. 

Noelani looked appraisingly at him. "You are the Brute Squad," she said appreciatively.

"We need a miracle," Tani said, stepping in front of Junior so Noelani would stop eyeing him. "It's very important."

"Look, I'm retired," Noelani said. "And besides, why would you want someone the King's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."

"He's already dead."

"Now you're talking my kind of case," Noelani said. "I'll take a look. Bring him in."

Junior carried Steve into the hut and laid him on a table. Noelani poked around a little, lifting each of Steve's limbs in turn. 

"I've seen worse," she said after a moment, still poking and prodding. 

"Ma'am," Tani said eventually. 

Noelani looked up. "Huh?"

"We're really in a terrible rush."

"Don't rush me. You rush a miracle worker, you get rotten miracles." Noelani looked at Steve again. "You got money?"

"Sixty-five."

"Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause."

"This is noble, sir. His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation."

Noelani laughed. "You're a rotten liar."

"I need him to help avenge the death of my father," Tani said.

"Your first story was better." She looked around. Where's that bellows? He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him."

She grabbed a huge bellows.

"He's dead," Tani said. "He can't talk."

Noelani rolled her eyes. "Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth."

Tani did as asked. Noelani inserted the bellows in Steve's mouth and started to pump.

"Now, mostly dead," Noelani said as she pumped, "is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do."

"What's that?"

Noelani stopped pumping and looked at Tani. "Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

She started pumping again, yelling down at Steve. "Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?"

She pressed lightly on Steve's chest.

"...tr...oooo....luv…" 

The words sounded like a groan, but they were words from a man who was supposedly dead.   
"True love," Tani said. "You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that."

"Certainly true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said 'to blave.' And, as we all know, 'to blave' means 'to bluff.' So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated--"

"Liar!"

A man came running in from another room. "You're a liar!" he said to Noelani. 

"Get back, Eric!"

"Hey, just because I'm your boy toy doesn't mean I can't see when you're lying. Maybe I should go."

"Ha! You never had it so good until you met me." 

'True love.' He said, 'true love,' Noelani. My God--"

"Don't say another word, Eric," Noelani said, retreating. 

Eric turned to Tani and Junior. "She's afraid. Ever since Princess Rachel fired her, her confidence is shattered."

Noelani joined them again, only to smack Eric on the arm. "Why'd you say that name--you promised me that you would never say that name--"

"What, Rachel? Rachel. Rachel. Ooo-ooo, Rachel!"

Noelani put her hands over her ears. "I'm not listening."

"True love, life expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --

"La la la!" Noelani said. "I can't hear you!"

"Rachel. Rachel. Rachel. Rachel."

"But this is Prince Danny's true love," Tani said loudly. "If you heal him, he will stop Rachel's wedding.

Noelani took her hands off her ears and put one over Eric's mouth, cutting off the repetition of 'Rachel.' "Shut up," she said to Eric, before turning to Tani. "You mean, I make him better and Rachel suffers?"

Tani nodded. "Humiliations galore!"

"Now _that_ is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job."

Eric gave her a quick hug before they set to work.

***

The sun had set by the time Noelani and Eric produced an ugly lump covered with what appeared to be chocolate, their faces beaming with pride. 

"That's a miracle pill?" Tani asked.

Noelani nodded as Eric said, "The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?" he said, looking at Noelani.

"An hour."

"Yeah, an hour."

"A good hour," Noelani clarified.

Junior picked up Steve as Tani turned to Noelani and Eric. "Thank you for everything," Tani said as she followed Junior out the door, Noelani and Eric calling out their goodbyes. 

***

Tani sat the man in black down carefully against the short wall overlooking the castle gate. As he was still mostly dead, the man in black was not exactly cooperating. He kept sliding onto his side.

"Tani," Junior said, as Tani looked for a stick or something to prop the man up with, "there's way more than thirty brutes."

"What's the difference?" She waved at the man in black, who had slid down again. "We've got him. Help me here," she said, lifting him up and holding him there this time. "We'll have to force feed him."

"Has it been fifteen minutes?"

"Well I didn't exactly have a chance to check the time while we were hurrying over here," she said, "but we can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We have to strike while all the guests are coming in and getting seated."

She pulled the pill out of her pocket. "Tilt his head back and open his mouth," she told Junior.

Junior did as she asked. "How long do we have to wait before we know if the miracle works?"

Tani dropped the pill into the man in black's mouth. "Your guess is as good as mine--"

The man in black opened his eyes and shifted them wildly between Tani and Junior. "I'll beat you both apart!" he said. "I'll take you both together."

"Guess not very long," Junior said. 

"Why won't my arms move?" the man in black said with a small frown.

"You've been mostly dead all day," Junior said. 

Tani poked him in the arm to see if he moved, but apparently he really didn't have any feeling there yet. But they needed his brain more than anything. "We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back."

"Who are you?" the man in black demanded. "Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's Danny?"

"Let me explain," Tani said. Where should she even start? "Never mind, there's too much. Let me sum up. Danny is marrying Rachel in a little less than half an hour, so all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Prince, and make our escape. After I kill Count Stan."

The man in black looked down his nose at his fingers, where they lay on his lap. "That doesn't leave much time for lying around," he said, as one of his fingers twitched. 

"Hey, you moved a finger," Junior said. "That's great."

"I've always been a quick healer." He shifted his gaze to Tani. "What are our liabilities?"

"There is but one working castle gate," Tani said, as she and Junior raised the man in black just high enough so he could see for himself. "Looks like sixty guards."

"And our assets?" Steve asked. 

Tani nodded at him. "Your brains, Junior's strength, my steel."

Steve stared at her for a few seconds. "That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this…." He shook his head. 

"Hey, you just shook your head!" Junior said. "Doesn't that make you happy?

The man in black looked at him. "My brains, her steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head jiggle is supposed to make me happy? I mean, if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something."

"Where did we put that wheelbarrow that guy in the woods had?" Tani asked Junior.

"Over his body."

"Why didn't you list that among our assets in the first place?" The man in black sounded awfully annoyed for someone they'd just paid to bring back from the almost-dead. "What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak," he said.

Tani shook her head. "Sorry, I can't help you there."

"Hang on." Junior grabbed his bag and pulled one out. "Will this do?"

"Where did you get that?" Tani asked.

"At Noelani's. It fit so nice, she said I could keep it."

"All right, all right. Come on," the man in black said. "Help me up." When he was on his feet--more or less, though he was mostly on Junior's back, the man in black said, "I'll need a sword eventually."

Tani frowned. "Why? You can't even lift one.'

"True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Now, there may be problems once we're inside."

Tani snorted. "I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once I find you again, how do we escape? "

"Don't pester him," Junior said, "he's had a hard day."

"Right. Sorry," she said. "One thing before we go, though," she added, looking at the man in black. "Do you have a name? Because this 'man in black' thing is getting old."

"Steve," he said. 

She nodded. "Tani," she said, pointing at herself. "And that's Junior."

"Lovely to meet you," Steve said. "Now let's go." 

***

Danny looked sideways at his reflection in the mirror, watching as Rachel tied his tie. Or, cravat, whatever she called it. Still looked like a tie. 

"You don't seem excited, my darling," Rachel said, as she stood back to admire her handiwork. 

"Should I be?"

"Grooms often are, I'm told."

And he had no intention of being one, at least not tonight. "I'm not getting married tonight," he said simply. "Steve will save me."

***

Steve stood with Tani and Junior--or almost stood, as he still needed support to avoid falling onto the ground. They were heavily outnumbered, he was counting on strangers who he'd already beaten in battle, and he was barely able to move. 

He'd had worse odds, but not by much. 

Also, he'd apparently been mostly dead all day, which he wasn't even thinking about right now. 

"You ready?" Tani asked Steve. When he nodded, she turned to Junior. "Ready?"

"Ready." Junior put out his hand, and Tani shook it. They looked at Steve, who flopped his arm around a few times until it moved in an arc, his hand landing on top of theirs. 

***


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for indulging me and going along on this insane ride, and for all the lovely, wonderful comments along the way! While this was all totally crack, it was also totally fun for me, and I hope for you as well!

Danny walked into the chapel with Rachel on his arm, idly wondering where Steve was. He would be there, of that Danny had no doubt. Probably just waiting to make his entrance. 

The man really did love to make an entrance. 

"You're supposed to kneel," Rachel hissed in a whisper. 

Danny rolled his eyes, but knelt down in front of the largest clergyman he'd ever seen. Seriously, that guy had to be the size of a mountain. Bald, with the most quizzical look on his face, like he wasn't sure how he'd gotten there, but he didn't seem to mind. 

Maybe he wasn't really a clergyman. Maybe Steve had paid him to stand in to help with whatever plan he had. 

The clergyman made a signal for everyone to rise. Danny stood, as did Rachel beside him. The clergyman looked around impressively for a long moment before he spoke. 

"Welcome to da union of Princess Rachel and Prince Daniel," he said. "I am Kamekona, the Oracle of Oahu, and I'm officiating the nuptials tonight."

Oh this definitely seemed like something Steve would do.

"Marriage is a blessed arrangement," Kamekona said. He still hadn't opened the book in his hands that Danny assumed had the actual set words he was supposed to say. "A dream within a dream where two hearts--"

Raised voices outside the castle distracted everyone, the words, "Stand your ground, men! Stand your ground!" audible even through the walls. 

Definitely Steve.

***

Steve was draped over Tani's back as she pushed the wheelbarrow. He peeked out around the giant cloaked figure of Junior standing in the wheelbarrow at the weaselly-looking man standing at the gate, yelling at the scattering guards. 

"Stand your ground!" 

Junior's voice, lower and slightly terrifying, came from the cloak, which covered the wheelbarrow, giving him more height, and the appearance that he was floating. 

"I am the Dread Pirate Roberts!" he called out. "There will be no survivors!"

"Now?" Tani asked.

Steve shook his head. "Not yet."

They moved slowly forward, Junior appearing to float at the thinning group of guards like an avenging angel. "My men are here, and I am here," he said, but soon you will not be here!" 

"Now?" Tani asked.

"Light him," Steve replied.

Tani lit the holocaust cloak with a torch, flames quickly covering the outside that would never touch Junior inside.

"The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors!" Junior shouted. "All your worst nightmares are about to come true!" 

***

Inside the chapel, Danny heard enough to hear 'Dread Pirate Roberts' and couldn't help but look a little smugly at Rachel.

"Truly," Kamekona said, "there is nothing greater than true love. It follows you forever." 

_Damn right it does._

Rachel gave him a cold look before turning to Stan and nodding at the door. Stan headed out, four guards following close behind. 

***

"The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!" Junior said.

The last of the guards ran off, leaving only the one man who'd been shouting at them to stay put leaning against the gate, somehow managing to look defiant and terrified at the same time. 

***

Kamekona looked like he was just getting warmed up, which suited Danny fine--more time for Steve to get in.

"You should treasure your love," he said. "It--"

"Skip to the end," Rachel said curtly.

Kamekona looked put out, but after a second he said, "You got da rings?"

Rachel pulled out a ring and shoved it on Danny's finger. 

"I think Steve's knocking at the door," Danny said, rocking on his heels a little. "You want to answer it?"

***

Outside, Junior was stomping out the last of the fire on the holocaust coat he'd taken off when Steve yelled, "Junior, the portcullis!"

Junior rushed forward, grabbing the portcullis, which was closing quickly. He shoved it back up as the gatekeeper shrank back in fear. 

***

"Your Steve is dead," Rachel said, holding out the other ring for Danny to place it on her finger. Danny shook his head. "I killed him myself.” 

Danny only raised his eyebrows as he asked, "Then why do you look so scared right now?" 

***

The gatekeeper was pressed so hard against the gate that Steve wondered if he thought he could get through it just by pushing hard enough. 

"Give us the gate key," Steve said. 

"I have no gate key," he said, voice trembling. 

"Junior," Tani said, eyes never leaving the gatekeeper, "tear his arms off."

Junior took a step forward. The gatekeeper whipped out a key. "Oh, you mean this gate key," he said, handing it to Junior quickly. 

***

"Do you, Prince Daniel, take--"

"Man and wife!" Rachel hissed. "Say man and wife!" 

Kamekona looked offended this time, but he said, "Man and wife."

Rachel turned around to her parents. "Escort Daniel to the Honeymoon Suite. I'll be there shortly."

Danny looked down at the ring on his finger, then at his wife's retreating back. "He didn't come…."

***

Tani led Junior and Steve through the castle, looking for Danny or the Count, whoever they found first. They'd been hurrying down hallways for several minutes before they turned a corner to find Count Stan racing toward them, flanked by four guards. 

Everyone stopped, startled for a moment. After a moment, eyeing Steve oddly, Stan said, "Kill the girl and the brute, but leave the third for questioning."

The guards rushed forward, but Tani slashed out with her sword, and the fourth guard was dead before the first one even hit the floor. 

Tani looked at Stan, the calmest she'd ever felt in her life. "Hello," she said softly. "My name is Tani Rey. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Stan stared at her for a long minute, then turned and ran away. 

"Who runs from a swordfight?" Tani yelled as she chased after him. She caught sight of him again as he went through a door, but it was locked, and throwing herself into it did no good. "Junior, I need you!" she yelled, slamming herself into the door again. "He's getting away from me, Junior! Please!”

Junior appeared, kicking hard at the door, which gave way. 

"Thank you," Tani said as she ran through the door. 

Tani caught glimpses of Stan as she ran, but it wasn't until the dining hall that he stopped at last, turning to face her as she ran into the room. Too late, she saw him move, saw the flash of silver as the dagger came toward her, but not in enough time to get out of the way. 

It burned as it lodged in her stomach. She put her hand to it, felt the wetness there, as she leaned back against the wall, eyes closed. "Sorry, Father," she said. "I tried…."

"You must be that little brat I let live all those years ago." Stan's voice sounded very far away. "It's simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I ever heard. How marvelous."

Tani slipped further down the wall. 

***

Danny entered the honeymoon suite, crossing to the desk by the window. He'd planned for this, just in case. The dagger was waiting right where he'd left it, ready to reunite him with Steve at last--for only true death could've stopped Steve from saving him tonight.

He raised the dagger over his heart, ready to strike.

"There's a shortage of perfect chests in this world," Steve's voice said from behind him. "It would be a pity to damage yours."

Danny whirled around to see Steve lying on the bed, a sword at his side. Danny ran over to the bed and all but threw himself on Steve, kissing him soundly, but Steve didn't put his arms around Danny. "Steve, why won't you hold me?"

"Gently," Steve said. 

"Seriously? At a time like this that's all you can say? 'Gently?'"

He pulled Steve's head in, and Steve hissed. "Gently!"

Danny let go, thumping Steve's head against the headboard.

***

Tani took a deep breath and pulled the dagger out of her stomach, dropping it onto the floor and holding the wound with her left hand, as if that would fix it. 

"Good heavens," Stan said. "Are you still trying to win?"

Tani lifted her sword. 

"You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance," Stan said. "It's going to get you into trouble someday."

Tani watched Stan approach, felt him sink his blade into her left shoulder, her weak parry keeping him from the heart, but not from drawing more blood. Stan stabbed the right shoulder in the same manner, but she barely felt it this time. Stan went for the heart again, but this time Tani's parry was stronger, and Stan stabbed at the wall. 

"Hello," Tani said, moving forward. "My name is Tani Rey. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Stan's attacks were a little wilder now, and Tani's parry's stronger. "Hello," she said, voice growing stronger. "My name is Tani Rey. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Again Stan attacked, and again Tani repelled him, growing stronger in both swordplay and voice. "Hello. My name is Tani Rey. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

"Stop saying that!"

She laughed at him, diving in, stabbing both shoulders, just as Stan had done to her. 

"Hello. My name is Tani Rey. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

"No…." Stan said. 

"Go ahead," Tani said, "offer me money."

She slashed one of his cheeks as he said, "Yes!" 

"Power too," she said, as she slashed the other cheek. "Promise me that." 

"All that I have and more, please…." 

"Offer me everything I ask for." 

Stan nodded. "Anything you want."

"I want my father back, you son of a bitch!" Tani said as she ran him through.

Tani pulled her sword out and watched him fall, staring down at the growing pool of blood around the now dead count. She took a moment to smile before running off to find the others.

***

Steve took in the blue of Danny's eyes, the feel of him pressed all over, and wondered, just for a moment, if he really had died and this was Heaven.

"Steve, can you ever forgive me?" Danny asked after a moment. 

If he moved his hand just a little lower, Steve would forgive him anything. "What hideous sin have you committed lately?"

"I got married," Danny said. "I didn't want to. It all happened so fast."

Steve shook his head. "It never happened."

"What?"

"It never happened."

Danny frowned. "But it did. I was there. This bald guy said, 'Man and wife.'

"Did you say, 'I do'?" Steve asked. Because he already knew Danny would never have said it to Rachel.

"Well, no, we sort of skipped that part," Danny said. 

"Then you're not married. If you didn't say it, you didn't do it." Steve looked towards the door. "Wouldn't you agree, Your Highness?"

Rachel drew her sword. "A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first." She held out her sword. "To the death."

"No," Steve said. "To the pain."

Rachel stopped, frowning at him. "I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase."

"I'll explain. And I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon."

Rachel looked like she might be ill. "That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.”

"It won't be the last," Steve said. "To the pain means the first thing you lose will be your feet, below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists, next your nose."

Rachel looked less than impressed now. "And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight."

"I wasn't finished," Steve said. "The next thing you lose will be your left eye, followed by your right--"

"And then my ears, I understand. Let's get on with it."

"Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will echo in your perfect ears."

He was pleased to see that Rachel was turning a nice shade of white. "That is what 'to the pain' means," Steve continued. "It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."

"I think you're bluffing," Rachel said at last, not doing a great job of bluffing herself. 

"It's possible, pig, I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Then again," Steve sat up, putting his legs on the floor and slowly standing as Rachel's eyes got huge. "Perhaps I have the strength after all."

He raised his sword, ready to fight. "Drop. Your. Sword." Her sword fell to the ground with a clang. Steve motioned toward a nearby chair. "Have a seat."

As Rachel hurried over to a seat, Steve told Danny, "Tie her up. Feel free to make it as tight as you like."

When Danny was almost done tying Rachel up, with a very satisfying number of hisses and other sounds of pain, Tani appeared in the doorway. She looked around the room. "Where's Junior?"

"I thought he was with you," Steve said. 

She shook her head. 

"In that case--" He started to move forward, but his legs gave out and he slumped back against the bedpost. 

"Help him," Tani told Danny.

"Why does Steve need help?"

"Because he has no strength."

"I knew it!" Rachel said, struggling against the knots that held her to the chair "I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was bluffing!" 

Tani stared at her. "Want me to take care of her for you?" she asked Steve.

"Thanks, but no," Steve said after a moment. "Whatever happens to us, I want her to live a long life alone with her cowardice."

"Tani!" Junior's voice came through the window. "Tani, where are you?"

Danny helped Steve join Tani at the window to see Junior with four white horses. "There you are," Junior said. "I found the Princess's stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, so I took them with me, in case we bumped into each other.”

"Good job, Junior!" Tani said. 

Steve nodded at Danny, who climbed down the trellis beside the window and joined Junior at the horses. Steve waved a hand for Tani to go next, but she hesitated. "You know, it's very strange. I’ve been in the revenge business so long, now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."

"Have you ever considered piracy?" Steve asked. "You'd make a wonderful Dread Pirate Roberts."

He climbed carefully down the trellis, Tani right behind, and the four of them rode off on the horses. As dawn rose, he knew they were safe at last, and he stopped, Danny right beside him, to look at the rising sun. 

He smiled at Danny, who leaned in for a long kiss.

Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. 

This one left them all behind. 

\--  
END


End file.
